mood: confused music: fix you

 my worst enemy. what to do? just keep on living, and keep on trying to find out who I am... shouldnt I know by now?

ok... the year is not so mocking. things are looking up again.

Many MANY many men in the horizon... all I gotta do is choose... and I have... I think. Im ready to risk it, to fall. to jump. 

Wish me love and luck

destined to be alone.

why is it that all my friends, everyone I hang out with has a guy, or has had more than one in a period of time I have had none? why cant I find love? they say good things come to those who wait... but, how long am I supposed to wait again? I thought my turn had come, but the ticket I had in my hand was a false.

I might as well go out with the one that is wrong for me. hell, I dont care anymore.

I waited for the perfect man too long, didnt fight when I should have, my parents are extatic at the fact that I am such a prude I hate it. I want them to worry. to notice that I can get the men I want. and keep them.

this is shit. why me?

mood: crazy music: ex girlfriend - no doubt

I really dont get men. well, maybe I do. They are just as clueless to what they really want like we women are.

The problem between us is that we think we are so diferent, when in fact, we are incredibly simmilar... but denial kicks in as soon as we see our own defects in our "opposites".

TRANSLATION: men and women want to be taken as completely different and establish that it is impossible to understand the other. When in fact, we just want to separate our flaws from our own sex, and claim that they are innate to the opposite sex. Lets admit it. We are both owners of all the flaws of human nature.

you might ask yourself where this random train of philosophical thought came from... Robert called to ask me out for drinks out of the blue... ten minutes later he called back again to cancel. All I could do was laugh. and laugh is all I can still do. Coward. you just confirmed yourself arrogant again Mr. Darcy.

You me call me the real elizabeth bennett... Im smart, Im pretty, but Im also made of much more than just flirtation and hormones, I am the most proud, complex character you will meet.

mood: lethargic music: I need a hero

oooooh... headache and stomach ache. its not quite a hangover, its the fact I had the type of food my body just doesnt welcome all that often. Anywho, lets start at the beginning, go on to the end, then stop.

Friday night I got off from work after selling hot dogs and sandwiches at the concession stand on "movie night". The place I work in teaches english mostly to excecutives that need a quick way to learn while having fun, the website is  www.orange-ec.net in case any of you want to check it out. And yeah, Im an english advisor there, the youngest one there is. Back to what I was saying, I left work straight to my house to meet my two best friends and then go to a nightclub to celebrate two of our guy friends´ birthdays. I had fun, but had to leave early because of a sore throat and headache... too much smoke.

 I was exhausted and crazy to go out after such a long week, but I needed the fun anyway, and I needed to feel better about the fact that Roberto has once agian dissapeared into the oblivious background of my life. The guy is clearly not interested anymore, and I cant just stop being passionate about life, crying every so seconds to miss what could be happening. To be honest, I´ve had my good cries, enough to say enough. so, ENOUGH. Im still going out, Im still having fun, and Im still being the fun flirt I am.

Mari lauris spent the night at my house, she had her good cries as well.. we seem to be freakst ishly syncronized when it comes to heartbreaks. In the morning, we got up around 630am (insane, I know) because she had to go home, and I needed to go to work agian. I got there, looking tired as hell, and was lucky enough to have no one show up my first hour of classes. By the time my fourth hour was up, I left work to go pack and get ready for Mari lauri´s huge barbecue party. Waited for tito to get to my house, then left for sindamanoy and when I got there, 20 of our friends were already there, and ten to thirteen were yet to arrive. Roberto was invited, but as we all predicted, the coward didnt show up.

One of esteban´s friends, moncho, was there, and for two weeks now, we´ve been talking about life and relationships, you know, getting close. But when he tried to make his move last week, I told him, "sorry, Im seeing another guy, and its just getting interesting"- but now that roberto is out of the picture, moncho (a 22 year old who is very attractive but totally wrong for me) and I could talk of going out, the two of us, more often.

Moncho... he´s not the best choice because of his views on relationships. he believes in getting the full action one month tops after hooking up officially. I, on the other hand, have the very old fashioned but smart ideal of waiting until marriage, or as long as I find someone truly worthwile and serious... and in one month, that is virtually impossible. so he and I had to negotiate a deal. I said I would think about modifying my principles (which I ended up saying because he pratically asked me to lie to him, NO WAY am I changing my principles!) he gives me 20 days.. meanwhile I can take the risk of having fun with him, kissing and all with no official title (that was a negotiation, he studies law, and he convinced me to overlook my rule of no kissing until there is a title of boyfriend involved), Ive had to break that rule many times because that is  simply not the way dating happens here, first you kiss, then you decide whether you hook up, and it makes sense, I just try to avoid being used or waisting my lips on some unworthy subject.

I already know my answer to all the negotiations and deals we tried to strike... its an obvious NO. hey, man, I like you, you are fun to be with, but I seriously cant see myself getting mixed up in the pressures of sex with a guy I dont competely trust. COMPLETE trust. thats not something you develop in a couple of days or weeks... that happens in months, and years! so hold your horses moncho, dont get too excited, I might just go out with you for a month, and then break it off before you go crazy and do something stupid, or I might just not start anything at all-

lets just call you the guy who helped me deal with my sad heartbreak, and knowing you are a guy who probably doesnt take long to move on to another chick, I dont think my leaving this alone will hurt.