colombiana86

colombiana86 @ 2007-09-03T19:58:00

2007-09-04T01:03:52Z

Hey world. Its been almost a year since my last entry. Wow how time flies.
I have been in my home country for three and a half years almost. I love my time here. I love what Im studying, especially the fact that one day I might become one of those cool nerdy people in a lab solving cases of dissappeared people.

I´m as in love, no, MORE in love than ever... with... David. We´ve been together for a year and a half now. We have gone through about a million and a half problems, but were still going strong. Nothing is ever perfect, but this is damn satisfactory and wonderfully crazy. Its a relationship. a healthy yet normal one, with days of unceasing passion, days of gloomy rain, days of incredible sunshine, and he´s always there to give me sanity in my moments of irrationality and to share his insanity on his days of dark humor. its the whole shbang. Its what A REAL LOVE AND LOVER SHOULD BE.

full moon is pretty, but the mooodiness sucks

2006-09-07T20:01:47Z

It was an interesting birthday.
Now I know Im completely disconnected from my "other" friends.. since birthdays are usually the days when we get back in touch. not mine. everyone´s just too busy I guess. I hate today. I hate today. I hate today. I just hate it. I hate it.

the skitzophrenia continues

2006-08-14T23:22:08Z

yah. I do know myself. Im a roller coaster... emotionally too. no relationship is perfect. and Im happy. really.
Im also falling in love now. We broke up face to face about a little more than a week ago.. the break up lasted 10 mins. before I decided to give it another try (after he asked.. it was sweet), and he decided to give my wishy washy self another try... knowing he was taking me back with a varying moodness of feelings. one day I´ll love him, next day he´ll be annoying.. but thats the way love goes, you just have to work on it, and cultivate it. keep it growing. so, that´s what Im doing.

update of the month

2006-08-01T22:54:32Z

Im so fucking confused right now.

I love being back, seeing david again.. but, I really dont think Im inlove with him. Im not as happy as I could be. But he is such a great guy in so many ways.. that I cant quite put my finger on what is missing. maybe its the age difference. maybe Im just not ready for such a serious relationship. damn. I never thought Id be the type to say that.

I dont know what to do, but for a long time a LOOONG LOOOONG time, my heart pulls me away from him and tells me "you need to break it off, this guy is not good for you long term." Not good for me how? thats it, I dont know. He calls me at least every day, worries for me, tells me he loves me more than enough, spoils me way too much, is gentle and respects me, says he is falling deeply inlove with me, ... and then comes my answer to this question he asks "are you falling in love with me too?" and this is what I always answer "Im scared to fall in love". so.. NO. Im not. sorry. SORRRRYYYY to dissapoint you, but its too early, too much to handle at this point in my life. Its stressing me out.

He used to ask me to marry him before we got together, as a joke.. but I can sense that when he asks me now, or mentions it, he means it. SHIT. its great to have someone care for you and love you so much, but its selfish of me to let him continue when I dont feel the same... or do I? the thing is.. this is where it gets OH SO FUCKING CONFUSING... there are moments, when he holds me, when we talk on the phone, when Im talking about him to someone else, that I feel Im in love with the guy. but they are fleeting moments that come and go. whats wrong with me?

traveling..

2006-07-08T02:55:18Z

its been a while since my last entry, so here is the summary update:
1. I did really well this semmester, better than the last one actually. Even though I was hella busy with work and all, I did better.
2. I quit my job (as I had told my boss from day one I would be taking a 2 month break from work because I would be traveling) and for one whole week everyone at work made some kind of special goodbye celebration for me, I felt all warm and fuzzy for days.
3. My uncle got married for the second time. I never believed in the first marriage, but this one, I am a blind supporter, I love my new aunt... or cool friend... she is so cool.
4. My brand new baby cousin, Julian, was babtized and I love his eternal cuteness. I still can´t stand his mother though (my aunt Poli) she is a mean manipulative.. you get the idea.
5. Everyday I love David more and more.
6. I went to Thailiand and China. it was awesome
7. Im spending time with friends and family here in Seattle and later will be in Portland, USA
8. I miss Colombia terribly, but I´m equally happy to be back to my second home.
9. I miss David horribly, but am so greatful for our phone calls and his constant emails that jump start my heart.
10. I seriously cant wait to see anyone and everyone I can from Portland when I get there... and eat at coldstone... lol.

thats it for now...

insecurity

2006-05-22T04:33:43Z

my worst enemy. what to do? just keep on living, and keep on trying to find out who I am... shouldnt I know by now?

welcome to my life, its all ups and downs

2006-05-09T03:19:41Z

I love him. I really do. thats all I need to know for now.

also, I need not get so freaked out, and start living with this new situation
of loveliness.

to work so hard IS a torture

2006-05-07T19:23:12Z

its been a hard week´s time, and I´ve been working like a dung beetle.... lol. some originality there.
this time, the ending of the semester is insane. I have about three papers to write, and two final exams, all due for the same freakin week, some even for the same day. better get started, or Ill have another mental breakdown.

so, is he really worthy?

2006-05-03T20:42:28Z

what am I getting into?
all I know is that I cannot give in to the pressure anymore. Its my chocie, always has been, always will be.

so... maybe i dont really love him. or, others dont see what I see. others dont approove, so when has that been a problem?

lately, its been growing. I know what people are saying and thinking. what is this weirdo 28 year old guy doing with a gorgeous 19 year old girl? cocky, I admit, but its true. I have heard it time and again.. Im too good for him.

what is a place like me doing, in a girl like this? lol... gotta love the mummy.

this cannot be normal. I have thought of breaking up with him so many times, that something always ends up changing my mind at the last minute. Im putting it off. but whenever I think of us making out in my kitchen (I think I have a kitchen complex) I get goosebumbs and happy butterflies.
GAAAH nooo. stop it. he is bad for me, BAD FOR ME. WRONG FOR ME. I knew this from the beginning. so why cant I call it off?

whats wrong with accepting your sexuality?

2006-04-30T16:12:23Z

lately I have been stressing over nothing I should be... listening to other´s voices tell me whats right for me instead of really searching inside me what I believe in. what I really accept and dont, why I try to brainwash myself every second of life in order to please others and their decisions for me. Its my choice, and I decide. so leave me alone in this matter. my lucky charm is true, he is for real, he respects me, even though he pushes me too far sometimes, I know Im always the one who decides how far we really go, and my body will keep telling me when the right moment has come to take the next step.
I never thought this would be me. I had supressed my desires for so long, I didnt know why I felt so sad and stressed when good things started to take place. now I know that I dont need to listen to all those voices, I need to listen to my own, my intuition, my common sense that has never failed me. NEVER. I have failed when I dont listen, but when I do, I feel peace inside, peace that I have made a good choice, a good decision. I know Im not ready to go all the way, not for a while anyway, but i dont get stressed out over hearing, thinking, feeling things that are completely normal. I have made my choice to accept that I am a woman, a sexual being, with needs and desires, its ok to feel. and its ok to back off when things dont feel right.
So all people, including my lucky charm, back off on my own thoughts, let me be, Its my life, my choice... and I choose to wait. Its logical, its safer, its smarter to wait. not because of what others have told me, but because I feel Im not ready to take on that responsibility, all the complications that can come and will come with becoming sexually involved. Its not wrong to, its just a choice we make. its just right FOR ME, FOR NOW. who knows what may become of the future, I may have matured more, grown sufficiently on the matter enough to truly enjoy it and accept it as the choice I want, to be ready to take on any concequences it may bring. Concequences I couldnt ever deal with now, and that I would regret for the rest of my life. I choose absolute safety.
oh... that doesnt mean I dont get to enjoy other aspects... those Im ready for. lol. and lucky charm is charming in OH SO MANY ways. ahem.. wow... yeah. lol.

oh no. oh crap.

2006-03-28T03:01:34Z

my lucky charm...
its official, I have a boyfriend... since last thursday. It was never an official asking out, it was so new for me, we sort of just fell into being a couple. He is absolutely crazy for me, that it scares me sometimes. It scares me to think I might end up like him, so head over heels. But for some reason a defense mechanism has been launched into action, and I am once again walled up. I´m breaking one of the fundamental rules of relationships.. the risk of being happy with the person you are with... the thing is, do I want the person as himself, or do I just want a pretty ornament to play with? I though I had vowed my heartbreaking days were over, that from now on I was going to live life, take risks.
Still, what would you do if your boyfriend asked you to marry him (even if its just a joke) everyday from the day you met? and today, he said... "NO seriously, you want to get married next year?"
JEEEZ WHOA HEY.... slow down... really, take a chill pill man. You may be ready to get married, but I sure as heaven AM NOT! Totally scaring me away man. totally. Its a moody ride this thing we have... one moment I like you, the next I dont remember why I liked you. when we are appart and talking on the phone about anything and everything, I want you holding me, kissing me, but when I have you infront of me, I wish you´d give me space. Today I felt sophocated. I thought I wanted an intense relationship. and ours is not even that intense, but now I see that I really (like most women) dont have a clue of what I want. DAMN IT.
I think I have an idea of what kind of defense mechanism might be going on here. He is older than me, 9 years at least... and has had more experience than I will want to know, he expects things will take place between us eventually... eventhough I have been absolutely clear about my position, about not wanting to do certain things, about keeping my principles, he deep down does not want to listen. So, Id rather just protect my heart from disaster by arming it agians feeling, so when the time comes for lucky charm to tell me he cant wait any longer, Ill be fine. I will be fine.
this is sad. I should be happy and enjoying the moment, but shoot, I cant help but be reminded of the possible future whenever sex comes into conversation.

my lucky charm

2006-03-18T22:30:01Z

oh my...
I knew I said id just choose the one who is wrong for me, but he turned out to be oh so right.
I chose. finally I chose, and I am so happy with the choice I made.
He´s mature, he knows when something is wrong, and in a way its bad because I could never hide anything from him... but then again, hiding things itself is bad. so... good.
My body feels numb whenever he grabs me and kisses me, I feel a fire burn within my veins, electricity never fails to course all over. He tastes like a forbidden food you decide to eat after keeping it away for too long, he is my new addiction, he is my lucky charm.
I love his scottish accent in english, and coastal dialect in spanish, I love the fact that he cant sing worth his life, but does it anyway at the top of his lungs, He cant dance well, but I wouldnt mind recreating the dirty dancing movie as I teach him the steps-
His way of seeing relationships is so advanced, so alien, its a foreing language Im aching to learn and understand. Strong arms, strong chest and back to gently and securely hold me while I melt into his embrace. Damn, Im falling so hard and fast, someone please give me a parachute so I dont go "splat" on the ground of reality.

somebody shoot me

2006-03-04T22:06:59Z

why so much pain?

this journal jinxes my life, or is it me?

2006-02-26T03:09:12Z

ok... the year is not so mocking. things are looking up again.

Many MANY many men in the horizon... all I gotta do is choose... and I have... I think. Im ready to risk it, to fall. to jump.

Wish me love and luck

colombiana86 @ 2006-02-23T21:59:00

2006-02-24T02:59:25Z

destined to be alone.

why is it that all my friends, everyone I hang out with has a guy, or has had more than one in a period of time I have had none? why cant I find love? they say good things come to those who wait... but, how long am I supposed to wait again? I thought my turn had come, but the ticket I had in my hand was a false.

I might as well go out with the one that is wrong for me. hell, I dont care anymore.

I waited for the perfect man too long, didnt fight when I should have, my parents are extatic at the fact that I am such a prude I hate it. I want them to worry. to notice that I can get the men I want. and keep them.

this is shit. why me?

the day when all went wrong

2006-02-19T19:27:34Z

I feel like complaining about how tough life is, but the thing is, its not.
In the emotional sense, my heartache has increased to an unimaginable size, and for reasons only my deepest longings know.
It seems like all the things that were going for me at the very beginning of the year were just some cruel joke of the cosmos to mock me later when all those things I desired and had a taste of were so painfully snatched from me, one by one.

I still have my job, but they overwork me like a dog and underpay me in a way that it should be a crime. My love life keeps slipping away from my fingers, its like trying to catch my fish from the sea with bare hands. Cant say I have been easy to catch either, but I have had my good reasons every time.

I was doing exercise before and feeling like a lion: tough, beautiful, and on top of the world... in control. But because of my job and studies, I have no time to go to the gym, and Im not being very nutritious either. As most women are these days, Im deathly afraid of gaining weight, and I hate the fact that Im not as toned as I used to be... Im not getting fatter yet, but I dread it like an unavoidable oncoming storm.

My skin is not as perfect and smooth as it used to be. Im trying to keep my diet so I can have great skin, but its been difficult as hell, and when I see all the concecuences this brings I cant help crying.

the University doesnt help at all... the readings are getting harder to do, and understanding what goes on in class is also a new obstacle to overcome. all I do is study and work, and I dont even get to relax on the weekends because I worry about the weekdays, whats coming up, and the fact that no one calls me, sends me messages, or acknowledges me anymore.

My obsessive controlable world is in chaos, and Im stressing over this loss of control, its the worst thing that can happen to me.

WHAT THE FREAKIN IN THE WORLD

2006-02-12T01:55:58Z

I really dont get men. well, maybe I do. They are just as clueless to what they really want like we women are.

The problem between us is that we think we are so diferent, when in fact, we are incredibly simmilar... but denial kicks in as soon as we see our own defects in our "opposites".

TRANSLATION: men and women want to be taken as completely different and establish that it is impossible to understand the other. When in fact, we just want to separate our flaws from our own sex, and claim that they are innate to the opposite sex. Lets admit it. We are both owners of all the flaws of human nature.

you might ask yourself where this random train of philosophical thought came from... Robert called to ask me out for drinks out of the blue... ten minutes later he called back again to cancel. All I could do was laugh. and laugh is all I can still do. Coward. you just confirmed yourself arrogant again Mr. Darcy.

You me call me the real elizabeth bennett... Im smart, Im pretty, but Im also made of much more than just flirtation and hormones, I am the most proud, complex character you will meet.

losing my voice

2006-02-08T03:17:47Z

Why did you leave?
Whas it something I did, said, or failed to do?
Dissappeared into the fog of the past, leaving no trail but the wasted crumbs of my heart.
I was prepared to give you all. I could have been so good for you, cured all your aches,
satisfied every craving, all you had to do was name it.
But you never did. You never have, you never will.

Artist: Pulp
Album: Unknown
Title: Like A Friend

You are the last drink I never should have drunk
You are the body hidden in the trunk
You are the habit I can't seem to kick
You are my secrets on the front page every week
You are the car I never should have bought
You are the dream I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age
Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid
Like a plane I've been told I never should board
Like a film that's so bad but I've got to stay till the end
Let me tell you now: it's lucky for you that we're friends.

Another action packed weekend

2006-02-05T20:41:35Z

oooooh... headache and stomach ache. its not quite a hangover, its the fact I had the type of food my body just doesnt welcome all that often. Anywho, lets start at the beginning, go on to the end, then stop.

Friday night I got off from work after selling hot dogs and sandwiches at the concession stand on "movie night". The place I work in teaches english mostly to excecutives that need a quick way to learn while having fun, the website is www.orange-ec.net in case any of you want to check it out. And yeah, Im an english advisor there, the youngest one there is. Back to what I was saying, I left work straight to my house to meet my two best friends and then go to a nightclub to celebrate two of our guy friends´ birthdays. I had fun, but had to leave early because of a sore throat and headache... too much smoke.

I was exhausted and crazy to go out after such a long week, but I needed the fun anyway, and I needed to feel better about the fact that Roberto has once agian dissapeared into the oblivious background of my life. The guy is clearly not interested anymore, and I cant just stop being passionate about life, crying every so seconds to miss what could be happening. To be honest, I´ve had my good cries, enough to say enough. so, ENOUGH. Im still going out, Im still having fun, and Im still being the fun flirt I am.

Mari lauris spent the night at my house, she had her good cries as well.. we seem to be freakst ishly syncronized when it comes to heartbreaks. In the morning, we got up around 630am (insane, I know) because she had to go home, and I needed to go to work agian. I got there, looking tired as hell, and was lucky enough to have no one show up my first hour of classes. By the time my fourth hour was up, I left work to go pack and get ready for Mari lauri´s huge barbecue party. Waited for tito to get to my house, then left for sindamanoy and when I got there, 20 of our friends were already there, and ten to thirteen were yet to arrive. Roberto was invited, but as we all predicted, the coward didnt show up.

One of esteban´s friends, moncho, was there, and for two weeks now, we´ve been talking about life and relationships, you know, getting close. But when he tried to make his move last week, I told him, "sorry, Im seeing another guy, and its just getting interesting"- but now that roberto is out of the picture, moncho (a 22 year old who is very attractive but totally wrong for me) and I could talk of going out, the two of us, more often.

Moncho... he´s not the best choice because of his views on relationships. he believes in getting the full action one month tops after hooking up officially. I, on the other hand, have the very old fashioned but smart ideal of waiting until marriage, or as long as I find someone truly worthwile and serious... and in one month, that is virtually impossible. so he and I had to negotiate a deal. I said I would think about modifying my principles (which I ended up saying because he pratically asked me to lie to him, NO WAY am I changing my principles!) he gives me 20 days.. meanwhile I can take the risk of having fun with him, kissing and all with no official title (that was a negotiation, he studies law, and he convinced me to overlook my rule of no kissing until there is a title of boyfriend involved), Ive had to break that rule many times because that is simply not the way dating happens here, first you kiss, then you decide whether you hook up, and it makes sense, I just try to avoid being used or waisting my lips on some unworthy subject.

I already know my answer to all the negotiations and deals we tried to strike... its an obvious NO. hey, man, I like you, you are fun to be with, but I seriously cant see myself getting mixed up in the pressures of sex with a guy I dont competely trust. COMPLETE trust. thats not something you develop in a couple of days or weeks... that happens in months, and years! so hold your horses moncho, dont get too excited, I might just go out with you for a month, and then break it off before you go crazy and do something stupid, or I might just not start anything at all-

lets just call you the guy who helped me deal with my sad heartbreak, and knowing you are a guy who probably doesnt take long to move on to another chick, I dont think my leaving this alone will hurt.

its just another manic monday

2006-01-31T02:36:19Z

ugh. work was exhausting. I still love teaching though. English is fun. yay.
Still no sign of bob, and I realize my denial has faded, his absence is starting to affect me. this is where I begin to feel... the painful heartache.

sunday lovely sunday

2006-01-30T02:22:28Z

I wish I could express myself as well as other people. I cant say my day was as bloody as a certain U2 song describes, but then again I did go to see the bull fight and it was bloody, but in the culturally good sense. It was my first time at the bullfighting ring, I was with my father and my grandmother, two fanatics of the ages old sport that is misunderstood by so many people.

Convinced I was going to hate it and pass out thinking, "ooh poor bull!!! that is so cruel!" but no... I understood the logic, the art, the natural selection beauty of it. Man against beast, a domination contest, a hipnosis session with death at its end. It sounds morbid I guess, but you really have to read and learn about it before judging what really goes on.
The actual bullfighting ring was built by a relative of mine, he got broke building it so they named it after the family. and thats where the whole grandmother and father fanatics comes into place... so I would become now another generation of a fanatic, I love bullfights. Todays wasnt all that awesome, nor all that awful, it was normal. The matadores were incredible, but the bulls had no strenghth on their front legs. I could go on for hours, but I´ll just say, I had fun.
Family is family, its company when you have no one else to hang out with, and they are there whenever you need them, be it a cousin, aunt or nuclear member. still, I wonder why I dont find anyone to be with when Im looking for friends or more.

Yeah, so roberto and I kissed. the guy acts as if it never happened, and neither of us takes enough initiative to make something of it. Hes a nice guy, great looking, but lacks something... oh, and Laguna beach, thats just freaky that I had that same thought not one day ago. I saw an episode and couldnt help thinking how similar my friends and life around me was to the show except for me... I somehow am a role out of the ordinary who got mixed up and lost in the wrong place.

Why are we such a superficial society? why is it that twice in one week now I have found myself with people I thought were cool changing my mind about them by showing me the "poor troubled rich snobby kids" stereotype. Im not one to smoke weed, and I hate the smell. I have principles about drugs, you could say D.A.R.E. (to resist drugs and violence) did a great job brainwashing me in elementary school, and frankly I rather not have company than have bad company. I´ll still hang out with them, have fun, as long as they dont try to put me in a situation where iI have to choose between my principles and their friendship. Its tough to explain, as I said, I dont have a way with words, but I try.

slow and great

2006-01-26T03:30:31Z

yes. its working, we are talking like normal friends again. things are moving forward, and he is calling me more often now. hot bob wants to see me. wants me. ME. yes he does, and why wouldnt he? ok, lets not feed the ego here.

hey toasthawaii.. it was a nice compliment, but I really think I dont write as well as you do. just a random note there.

My job is really awesome, I love it. :) :) :)

w and Th

2006-01-20T22:52:25Z

Wednesday night AND thursday night I spent with Robert. Last night we got our feelings out in the open, then proceded to dance the night away... with the occasional kiss here and there.

He is soooo hot! he makes my skin melt when he holds me, makes my knees buckle when he looks straight at me, and my heart stop when he takes my hands into his. How can a man be so passionate yet so gentle and smooth? I never thought it possible.

We arent anything official... and I want to say "yet"... the thing is, (this is so not me, but I dont know why this case is an exception) I dont want there to be an "US" quite yet... for a while. Its about the fifth date...if you dont count the times we went out when Javier had a claim on me, and hot BOB had (or hadn't) a girlfriend...and to me, its too soon to be kissing mainly because I dont kiss unless we're OFFICIAL. So, we'll keep hanging out as friends, I just need to work on relaxing more when Im with him and not being so tense cold or shy. I like him so much I want him to feel at ease, I really dont want to mess up what we can have. So we better take it slow.

lots of walking

2006-01-17T14:56:33Z

This year I have decided to do as many errands as possible on foot.

The whole Roberto thing, whatever. I can get my confidence back, Im positive, next time he calls it will be a good conversation, a fun one, and we will end up going out.

I am a type O!!!

2006-01-15T14:39:24Z

Your Inner Blood Type is Type O

You are outgoing, gregarious, and well loved.
And it's a good thing you're super charming...
Because you also tend to be a bit flaky!
Your confidence gets your far, and you always speak your mind.

You are most compatible with: O and AB

Famous Type O's: John Lennon and Elvis

What's Your Inner Blood Type?